The impact of my words must be extremely devastating for you to make that decision of shutting yourself out from me, from everything, and it is because you're reminded of how he left, when i said all that.

At first I do not understand, I blamed you for hiding up when problem arises. I asked myself countlessly, can I really accept this part of you? Leaving everything behind just like that. Ignoring whatever could have happened after. 

Without putting myself in your shoes, I know the answer is negative. I cant love a woman who just toss me aside when things happened.

But then i remembered, when i was angry at my parents, i had to toss them aside too for the amount of pain i experience from them. I became so selfish, wanted to 以死谢罪 to prove my point. But i love them, and i know they'd be devastated if i were to do that. I can relate you pushing me away, cause even I, the one you open up wholeheartedly to, and by right im the one who love and care for you most in this world, rejected, and refuses to support you when you're vulnerable, because of my ego. It is the same for me and my parents. And became 一条刺 between us(us us, and me them)

You told me this is how you behave when you're madly in love with someone. And I only came to realize this is just like my sexuality, you dont have a choice and this isnt a thing you can compromise even of you want to, you tried so hard to refrain your needs of having high expectation to your partner, you need your partner to understand you all the time. You need to be in control all the time, cause this is who you are, without any of it, you will not function properly as a person in a relationship, you'll lose the ability to love. 我真心觉得你要改也改变不了。因为像我一样，仗着他们是我的父母，是我的后盾，只要他们的一天我都可以任意妄为，无理取闹，我可以很理所当然的坚持我的立场，继续伤害他们，即使那不是我故意的，而我们永远改变不了这个关系，即使是因为没有选择，就算给我比他们再好的父母，我也不愿意更换，因为是他们辛辛苦苦把我养大，给了我今天拥有的一切。就算你不管多么想独立，很难，因为你有我，有我的一天，给了你安全的理由去做回自己，做回你被人宠爱时的模样。你可能坚持说，我们的关系，和我与父母不同，因为理论上，我们没有血缘关系，我们不是一家人，我们没有义物长厢厮守，我们甚至可以任意离开，只要不开心，只要没有感情了就可以拍拍屁股走人。其实我们很可能是很脆弱，很可悲。

I musn't lie and say yes I can accept all that without a bloody fight, knowing my personality. 就算我现在心甘情愿，i am dead sure my ego will keep jumping in and stop us from moving forward , with this, perhaps you realized we wouldnt have a future together. 这都是因为我好胜，因为尊严。

You're so right about love, we need a lifetime to 学习好好爱一个人。你的付出，你尽量克制对我的期望，怕我受不了而离开，我都知道，好不容易，你终于慢慢打开心扉接受我，给我机会对你负责，我却没有把握机会， 一次又一次让自己败在尊严手里。

自从和你在一起，我就知道和你相爱一定会很艰难， 因为我们的过去，因为我们的性格，因为我们的缺陷，因为脾气，自尊心，原则。

 Excluding the fact that it makes us feel loved, fulfilled, fun, exciting, peaceful, calming, turn it over, it destroys almost everything. 生气的时候，我看见自己的害怕与委屈，完全没有想过你用了很大很大的勇气踏出那一步，心惊胆跳的把自己交给我。生气的时候，我变得很冲动，恨不得所有事情都必须我说了算，连伤害你，都变得理所当然。那天的告白，is like a slap in your face, reminding how lousy he made you feel when he left, it traumatises you, 现在的你，延续了当时的打击。而我，居然没有和你同一阵线，还高高在上说你错了，为了保护我所谓的尊严，我曾经觉得，尊严是我的所有，我穷得剩下尊严，因为对任何事情都没有信心。

你曾经半开玩笑地说过，在你面前不需要有尊严，我不觉得难，只是我真的真的很害怕一旦完全把尊严放下，我会一无所有，我很害怕，拿开了尊严，我没有能力保护自己，我就输了。你是不是觉得很讽刺，在你面前我还要想到如何保护自己。 我把这想法告诉了 su ern, 她说，别把这看成是尊严，这只是个面具，可以随时卸下的面具，可以随意更换的面具，等到我们不再需要面具保护自己了，就是完完全全把自己交给对方的时候，能够做回真正自己，不再因为某些因素自乱阵脚然后互相伤害。 她这么说，我突然释怀了，也理解你所谓在你面前不需要尊严的意思了。你并不是要我完全傻傻的为你牺牲，你只希望我可以安安心心在你面前做回自己，就像你在我面前可以那样畅所欲言，放放心心的做回你喜欢的自己，无忧无虑。 

我想和你一起学习把我们的面具一个一个拆下，我们都不完美，但不代表我们不能够在一起。这条曲折离奇的路，没特别的理由，只因我爱的是你，我只想牵着你的小手，和你一起走下去。我做错事情时，你能够在一旁鞭策我，