so you finally let in and allow me to come visit you. Stress 死你。
I cant comprehend it, but, sorry for piling it up for you.


刚才走路回家的时候，想起你煮的食物，想起你每天讲我是厨房里的disaster时，突然想到我们在 LA 吃的快熟面。 那一天我们很晚才到Chris 的家，回到家都累到半死了，又累又饿，什么也不想做，只想赶快冲凉，然后躺下睡觉。


你每次那么累都不会告诉我，自己默默承受，让我发现时你都累到死了，就叫你快点去冲凉，然后我战战兢兢地走到厨房，准备煮面，几天前在koreamart(忘记叫什么名字），刚好那么lucky 可以寄放行李，其实就是被guard 叫住。
记得那时候我还要洗衣服，我小心翼翼地把衣服搬到洗衣机，然后有点害怕地照着instruction s，很多steps and buttons la...damn. 洗衣机开了后，才发觉, 房里还有衣服忘了放进去，然后你也有衣服要pass给我。我就这样跑了一定不少过5 趟，Chris 又在我必经之路坐着写书，我觉得自己这样进进出出就来要烦死他了。 还好／不好的是，洗衣机有pause button, you can pause and open the lid and throw stuffs inside. So I guessed i boiled the water, waiting to throw in noodles, and my last trip is to put in your socks. I was so mad at myself, for going in and out, to a point 就来要自己发脾气了，so frustrated at myself，觉得自己很没用，洗衣服那么简单的事情都做不好, and I realized I cant be THIS careless all the time, and it makes me feels worse when I started to picture if you were there, you would also be very impatient to me, haha, outer expectations.  那个地板走路会发出声音的，我一直很不好意思，很压抑地emo, 很想你赶快出来陪我，break this awkward silence between Chris and I。你冲完凉后我到房间找你，叫你先睡一下，其实我当时超级想拉你出来，但你真的累到要死了，我不忍心你那么辛苦，平时你要操心的东西已经很多了你这个ocd, 就逼自己一个人出回去，继续发自己脾气，继续煮面。哈哈哈。我那时的确是要崩溃了，又累又饿又尴尬又有挫败感。看着那永远都不会滚的水，很想杀人。 过了一下，你自己出来了，and I felt so much better。 有你在陪我吹水，陪我等那个样衰的水，so much difference now. I forgot the timeline, like did you came out before i put the noodles in? 忘了忘了。 总之，本来差点崩溃的我，慢慢平复了情绪, 不给你动任何东西，cause its time for me to cook for you, 屁啦，instant noodles only, 完全就是玩奸臭。 I dont quite remember what happened but we laughed alot, till he asks us what were we giggling about, 然后show 我们外卖的menu.


well, 煮完后我们就站在那里吃，不懂讲到什么弄到我又笑到差点撒尿，不能呼吸。
最扯的是，有人在我喂她吃面的时候不小心喷完出来，daisei. that was EPIC 让我（们）终身难忘，你必须永远记得你出丑的一面哈哈哈哈。To see you be bothered by it SO MUCH just makes it so much funnier, 不能怪我笑到生不如死。李嘉殷（i know it annoys you, just saying), remember what happened when we had 芝麻糊 at SF, 有人假假清高到最后还不是滴到桌子。


third one is your btw.


有一点庆幸你不得空睬我，allowed me some space to recall all these write down whatever is in my mind. I guess it serves a purpose now. 当然，你（我）忙或不忙，我真的没有比较喜欢哪一个，it is a condition, 给我什么，I try make the best out of it, 好与不好我其实没有要求，and seriously 因时而异。(caused you asked me yesterday)


记得，你十二月才看到, 等我飞之前那一刻全部upload上来，一定吓死你，也好给你打发一下时间，反正你必须等我那么久。 Thats all I can do, being so far away from you,  除了陪你起床睡觉，跟你吹水，儿童不宜，盘算以后要怎样，写写东西之外，暂时能够做的就这么多。To be honest Im really not as good as I thought in LDR, for you or myself, I just thought I could do better. But im not complaining, like what I told Angel, so far so good. Remember today, I heard you over the phone. haha. toy.....toy.....babygirl. I love you.

没想到会有这么女人一天，我会这么空虚，那么想念你，仅仅只是因为你太忙不得空陪我， 然后会有点自暴自弃，什么也不想做，就很懒地等时间过，允许自己去应酬朋友，等到该睡的时间过了，就很难有睡意了。现在知道你以前是什么样的感受了。报应。

我觉得文字是很令人（我）上瘾的东西，一旦开始读了，就必须一次过下去直到读完为止。

文字的可怕之处就是可以很透澈地把人完完全全带回到那个瞬间，即使是事隔多年，当你一个字一个段落读下去，也犹如刚发生一样，当时的喜怒哀乐会完完整整地和现实的自己狠狠相撞。而且，情绪与文字根本就是骨肉相连（对我来说啦）， 平时没事话绝对没有必要上来这里发泄发泄。 

回到这里也不懂是祸是福。因为差不多每次回到这里，心境就会自动变成 Teenage 的模样，然后一发不可收拾，不是失眠，就是想一直呆着，无法去做其他等着我处理的事情。我想可能是我太得空了，得空到有这个时间来挥霍，when there is so much more waiting for me out there, so much more to do, to plan, than staying here creating a wordy world. 

okay get your ass up, I need to sleep now, or else it will be a death day tomorrow. 

Lesson learnt today (hopefully, hopefully) knowing my own pattern.

必须学习管理自己地情绪，尤其在重重压力之下，如果这个也做不了，还装什么强大。

安逸时的力量都是一文不值的，I mean, in such condition, it is more than easy to generate good vibes. But it is really a big deal to be able to do the same when crisis struck. And it only counts if I can perform, when everything seems to go against myself. 这样才显得难能可贵，得来不易，而不是遇到什么难题，第一时间就很着急的把手上的武器先摔烂，然后给自己一大堆借口为什么事情不会好转。I guess I can at least try doing this for you. sorry la, 必须用你做借口，你都知道我的自我要求可以仁慈得过份。 如果没有人从旁监视我，的确没什么动力为自己做些什么有意义的事情， 因为我真的太随便啦。

About what happened today.

至27岁现实的我


跟抒恩的发泄

[23:16, 6/25/2018] Tkn: I am very shocked at myself today.

Bon and I was supposed to pindah out next month. But it was suddenly called off cause she has other offers overseas. That makes us at risk of losing 2.2k total, cause we signed contract only yesterday. And we wasnt sure whether the landlord will layan us anot if we ask for the money back and pay him whatever he spent on the agent.

So when I broke the news to JY, i told her I really dont mind continue staying with Ck as long as it reduces my loss to minimum. cause I was already thinking to lose that money. And in desperation I need to come out with something that benefit myself most, financially(sorry im very realistic).

Im well aware that JY of course mind me continue staying with ck. But that part of financial loss just hindered me to be bothered with her feelings. cause at that moment, the most important thing in my mind was to reduce my loss. She tried making me realize I shouldnt be staying with ck(unless it is really really necessary), but I told her, actually i got no prob staying with her as long as i want, the only thing that i feel inappropriate is i know JY will jieyi. So she asks me not to use her as an excuse, so i just tell her frankly, cause that money thing bugs me alot, till i dont see any other purpose of wasting extra money, and move out to somewhere worse and pay higher rent for it. and when i have all these thinking, my mind was in the state that i already lose that money.

so that makes me wonder. perhaps I dont love JY enough to make me stick to my decision of moving out from ck, at that moment, i put something before her. like my own financial security before JY. And I tell her i'll totally understand if she doesnt wanna talk to me, cause I also dont know how to talk to her either. like we literally stuck there, and not talking to each other.
[23:17, 6/25/2018] Tkn: now the thing has resolved for me. But it troubles me, that part of me, that part of me who doesnt prioritise her as much as my financial freedom.
[23:18, 6/25/2018] Tkn: to be honest, that money is not much. but it bugs me alot cause I could use it for a flight ticket and seriously losing that much doesnt feel great. And i
[23:18, 6/25/2018] Tkn: I guess I'll always have a thing of 损失那么多
[23:18, 6/25/2018] Tkn: and in afternoon i was really not okay to a point
[23:18, 6/25/2018] Tkn: i asked myself
[23:19, 6/25/2018] Tkn: why so sanfu
[23:19, 6/25/2018] Tkn: why so troublesome one
[23:19, 6/25/2018] Tkn: to getmyself into all these
[23:19, 6/25/2018] Tkn: I wasnt even missing JY, i was angrying at myself, for putting myself in this situation. and keep thinking it must be karma for doing that to ck.
[23:20, 6/25/2018] Tkn: and now the whole thing is resolved
[23:20, 6/25/2018] Tkn: but I dont think both of us can unseen
[23:20, 6/25/2018] Tkn: what happened to me this afternoon.
[23:20, 6/25/2018] Tkn: if she can, i also cannot.
[23:20, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我无地自容
[23:20, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 不知道要怎样面对她。
[23:21, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 之前还讲什么很爱她很想念她
[23:21, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 到最后我还不是像现实低头
[23:21, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 觉得自己很没用
[23:27, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我觉得如果到最后房租问题不是我所愿，必须损失那么多，我还是会一意孤行，觉得继续和ck住下去也没问题， 因为不管怎样，我必须省钱，才能有安全感，才能做我想做的事，才能有能力去爱她。我一直都很害怕，如果有一天我没有了经济能力，我就无法继续用我的方式去爱她，就无法那么爽，毫无压力，几时想买机票，就可以轻易地做决定去找她，和她在一起时，可以毫无顾忌的，毫无忧虑的，给她想要的东西。

我知道她要的当然不是这些，可是这些已经变成了我爱她的基本准则。
[23:28, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我现在不知道怎样收拾这个残局。
[23:30, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 因为对她而言，对她全心全意最重要。可是我的做法辜负了她。
[23:36, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我给不了她全心全意，至少在新加坡，我无法这么做。只要我还在新加坡，我始终都会以经济能力为先， 因为我想离开这里，我想早有准备，到时想离开这里的时候都容易点，我想到时候等她毕业，可以让她在美国做她热爱，做她想做的工。

在压力之下，我不想做有损经济的事情，因为这种事，只会打击我未来的计划，我知道是我几人忧天，夸大厥词，其实都是我的问题，是我对自己没有安全感。也证明了我也不是完全会顾虑到她的感受，很有挫败感。
[23:37, 6/25/2018] Tkn: so sorry i have to bug you with these. i wasnt in a mood until i didnt go to my company dinner.
[23:38, 6/25/2018] Tkn: like i feel so dead.
[23:38, 6/25/2018] Tkn: for the whole day
[23:38, 6/25/2018] Tkn: just watch dramas non stop, to cushion my troubles.
[23:46, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 让我想到，当一个人不能自保
[23:47, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 原来是顾不了任何人的感受的
[23:47, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我没有自己想象中那么伟大，那么可以不顾一切
[23:47, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 为了她的感受完完全全牺牲
[23:48, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 所以我很难受
[23:48, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我也知道，她也会很难受
[23:49, 6/25/2018] Tkn: it saddens me, when I think I might not be who she wants.

[23:50, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我觉得你很勇敢，诚实面对自己覺得醜陋的一面
[23:51, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 有一點我要提醒你，我們不是要有什麼經濟能力才能去愛，愛是無價的，愛是給予我們力量的
[23:52, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你想著的，是能把那筆錢存起來買機票去找她，這證明了你很愛她。我們都必須面對現實沒錯，但不是為了現實放棄所愛，詆毀自己
[23:53, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 要有能力，要付出，最好的行動是先壯大自己-情緒、經濟能力、解決問題的能力
[23:53, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 這些都是生活不是嗎？
[23:54, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 麵包和愛情是可以兼得的
[23:54, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 要看你怎麼造化
[23:55, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 其實她明白的
[23:55, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我知道一切都是看我怎样react. 这个下午已经证明了我的反应， 是不好的。
[23:55, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我并不是自己想象的那么强大
[23:56, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她明白你的難處，我相信她很明白那一筆錢的損失對你而言的影響，所以她會告訴你她尊重你的意見
[23:56, 6/25/2018] Tkn: before bon fon me and tell me that it is solved. 我其实有笑自己下午很傻，那么紧张做什么， 然后很后悔跟她说的那些话
[23:57, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 所以這插曲是好事來的，你更了解你自己，選擇磨合或摩擦，決定在你手上
[23:57, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 因为那些都是我心情不好，压力重重之下说的话，给的烂方法
[23:57, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 寧，不要情緒化，不要批判自己
[23:57, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 恩，当你身在其中
[23:57, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 真的那么容易不批判自己meh
[23:57, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 所以我在提醒你
[23:58, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 不容易
[23:58, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 我只能用时间
[23:58, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 但是要去面對
[23:58, 6/25/2018] Tkn: 来淡化
[23:58, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 接受自己的不足
[23:58, 6/25/2018] Tkn: then calm down and face it like a man .
[23:58, 6/25/2018] Tkn: mm....
[23:58, 6/25/2018] Tkn: now i dont know what to say to her.
[23:58, 6/25/2018] Tkn: to break the ice.
[23:59, 6/25/2018] Tkn: but im more bothered with myself now. i just cant believe im like that
[23:59, 6/25/2018] Tkn: haha
[23:59, 6/25/2018] Tkn: and i feel bad for her
[23:59, 6/25/2018] Tkn: for having me as a bf
[23:59, 6/25/2018] Tkn: sorry ern. all these are too much for me this afternoon, and now, when i think about it.
[23:59, 6/25/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I understand
[00:00, 6/26/2018] Tkn: thankyou
[00:00, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Im glad u face it now, at this age
[00:00, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Not 40+
[00:00, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 中年危机
[00:00, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 哈哈
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你現在學會面對，你就會去找答案和解決方法
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 其實她來找我談了
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她讓我別告訴你
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 可是你懂的
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我要你們好
[00:01, 6/26/2018] Tkn: haih
[00:01, 6/26/2018] Tkn: mind to tell me whats in her mind
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她是一個很明事理的女孩
[00:01, 6/26/2018] Tkn: izzit like what i think
[00:01, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我們的想法都很近
[00:02, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她理解你
[00:02, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 就是因为她太过明白事理，我才那么愧疚。
[00:02, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她尊重你的決定，因為她懂高要解決當務之急
[00:02, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 該要*
[00:02, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 她一直都在try very hard to be very very understanding
[00:03, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 所以你要變強大，實實在在的成長
[00:03, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 而我却是不够understanding 的那个
[00:03, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她也有不足需要你來補
[00:03, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 磨合
[00:03, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 好
[00:04, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我会记得。现在事情解决了，都会ok的
[00:04, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你有什麼困難跟我說
[00:04, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我只是对自己感到心寒
[00:04, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 很好
[00:04, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i dont mind you telling her about me finding you.
[00:04, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 現實給你一巴打下去了
[00:04, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: She will know
[00:05, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我自己也不知道要跟她讲什么
[00:05, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: That’s why she came to me
[00:05, 6/26/2018] Tkn: what you mean she will know, thats why she came to you
[00:05, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: She wanna let you know how much she loves you, but not letting you know~
[00:05, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Cuz she want to let u solve it
[00:06, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i failed.
[00:06, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and disappointing.
[00:06, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I can foresee you coming to me telling me this entire feeling you are going through now
[00:06, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: So dont sha, dont sohai go and leave her and say thats for her own good
[00:06, 6/26/2018] Tkn: oh i hate you...you damn fortune teller....
[00:06, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Imma slap u
[00:06, 6/26/2018] Tkn: that was whats in my mind
[00:06, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Failed pigu
[00:06, 6/26/2018] Tkn: this whole day
[00:07, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 一切都是最好的安排
[00:07, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我已經告訴她了
[00:07, 6/26/2018] Tkn: told her what
[00:07, 6/26/2018] Tkn: haih
[00:07, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我們一起想辦法找出更好的方法來減低損失
[00:08, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 一定有101種方法的
[00:08, 6/26/2018] Tkn: now u see a great examplary of your hubby, from me. see all my insecurities
[00:08, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我感覺事情一定會迎刃而解的，應為這是一個考驗
[00:08, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 已经解决了。 只是我无法释怀我下午的表现
[00:08, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我也睡不者
[00:08, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Frankly speaking, hc will do the same today if she were u
[00:08, 6/26/2018] Tkn: cant slee
[00:09, 6/26/2018] Tkn: ei you sleepp la can or not.
[00:09, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and surely you'll be upset at her decision
[00:09, 6/26/2018] Tkn: but you fear to let her know
[00:09, 6/26/2018] Tkn: cause you scared of losing her
[00:09, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 越無法釋懷，證明你越愛她，證明你越會避免這事情
[00:10, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我自问我没有嘉殷的智慧
[00:10, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: You are lucky
[00:10, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: You have her
[00:10, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 你们都超有智慧，只是面对自己爱的人，不一定能够控制自己，有谁又可以？
[00:11, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Dont feel small, you need to get up and grow stronger
[00:11, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 真正的壮大
[00:11, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i know I am lucky to have her, she unlucky to have me jek, at least unlucky to deal with me in the afternoon
[00:11, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 所以我们需要互相扶持
[00:11, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 人与人之间就是那么神奇
[00:11, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 可以创造无限
[00:11, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 可以解决别人的问题
[00:12, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 自己的却可能需要别人来帮忙
[00:12, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hahhaa....
[00:12, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 一个人有缺点，一群人可以互补
[00:12, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i think so far this is the greatest 僵持 we have
[00:12, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 傻🐷
[00:12, 6/26/2018] Tkn: for the first time, i dont feel like talking to her
[00:12, 6/26/2018] Tkn: dont know how to face her
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: not even trying to talk to her and get her talk back to me.
[00:13, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Normal
[00:13, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: U need to calm down first
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: thanks ern, you made me feel so much better.
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: you go sleep la
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: sorry you suppose to be sleeping
[00:13, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Got mehhhh
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 却还要你分忧
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 当然有啦
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 屁股
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我哪里会骗你的
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: zzzzz
[00:13, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Nope, im discussing with my coach
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: oooooo
[00:13, 6/26/2018] Tkn: damn multitask
[00:14, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Haha
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: im just glad JY can faxie to you as well.
[00:14, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Me too
[00:14, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I thanked her
[00:14, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: For coming to me
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: see, you, are so important to us.
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hah....
[00:14, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: She says she can only talk to me
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 你自己还不realize
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: yea
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我也只能找你
[00:14, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hah
[00:14, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Omg 我何德何能
[00:15, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你们两个都是天使
[00:15, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 你屁股啦
[00:15, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我是地狱
[00:15, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我差不多放弃自己的时候你们跟我讲这句话
[00:15, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你不知道你们又给了我什么样的能量
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 谢谢你们的出现
[00:16, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 举手之劳
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 屁啦，没有那么有型～
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 哈哈哈哈哈
[00:16, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 为什么别人的问题那么容易解决， 自己那么烦
[00:16, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 哈哈哈啊
[00:16, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 不要吵啦你
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 人
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 哈哈
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 不是神
[00:16, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hahahaha
[00:16, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 最多是個女神
[00:17, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 让她受委屈
[00:17, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 經
[00:17, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我不好意思
[00:17, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 哈哈哈哈啊哈哈神经你的屁股
[00:17, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你先平復自己
[00:17, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我知道她心里很不平衡
[00:17, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你平復後需要做的是讓她知道你愛的是她
[00:18, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 一方面是很正常的不满，一方面必须很异常的被逼体谅我
[00:18, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 一而再再而三的assure她
[00:18, 6/26/2018] Tkn: how?
[00:18, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i mean, just tell her i love her?
[00:18, 6/26/2018] Tkn: or i can tell her what i have told you just now
[00:18, 6/26/2018] Tkn: just admit 我的心声
[00:18, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 溝通
[00:18, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Yea
[00:18, 6/26/2018] Tkn: so just tell her whatever i told you?
[00:18, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: But keep reminding her that u love her
[00:18, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: It works
[00:19, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: U have to say it out okay
[00:19, 6/26/2018] Tkn: nandao she thinks i dont love her enough?
[00:19, 6/26/2018] Tkn: when she finds you
[00:19, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 不是的
[00:19, 6/26/2018] Tkn: oh yea cause....
[00:19, 6/26/2018] Tkn: ok
[00:19, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i und
[00:19, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 語言必須要傳達
[00:19, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 她懂你愛她，可是你要開口講，要不斷assure她
[00:19, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 因為她害怕失去你
[00:19, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hao
[00:20, 6/26/2018] Tkn: she got say so?.....
[00:20, 6/26/2018] Tkn: or she fear if she interfere my decision
[00:20, 6/26/2018] Tkn: she might lose me
[00:20, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我跟慧晴說過，我會不厭其煩告訴她我愛的是她，我選擇的是她
[00:20, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 因為他們都是害怕失去我們的人
[00:21, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 你们不懂，我们可能比你们更害怕
[00:21, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 失去挚爱。
[00:21, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我們既然選擇了她們，就有責任讓她們安心
[00:21, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 好。。。。
[00:21, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 是啊...
[00:22, 6/26/2018] Tkn: what did she say in general.
[00:22, 6/26/2018] Tkn: im just curious
[00:22, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: She didnt say so but we know right?
[00:22, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: This is for sure cuz she respect u
[00:23, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Just told me 來龍去脈
[00:23, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: And told me what u told her
[00:23, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Then i know already the money is not a small amount
[00:24, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: She cannot get over the part that u told her there is no need to not stay with ck
[00:24, 6/26/2018] Tkn: but at that time i need her to tell me what to do, cause i dont know what to do when she keeps quiet.
[00:24, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i know, very clearly.
[00:25, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I guess this is you, you dont mind staying with ck cuz everything is clear and u made your choice
[00:25, 6/26/2018] Tkn: in this afternoon, it was solely for financial reason, assuming i lost that money d.
[00:25, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: And u are honest enough to tell jy about staying with ck cuz u are sure u hav ntg with ck
[00:25, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Yeah ikr
[00:25, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I told jy the same
[00:26, 6/26/2018] Tkn: to a point, i was tempted to lie.
[00:26, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: She cannot make decision for u
[00:26, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: No one can
[00:26, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Luckily u didnt
[00:26, 6/26/2018] Tkn: but i told myself, yea i can lie today, but I'll always know that i dui bu qi her
[00:27, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: It seems like u very bad for telling her so vividly, it is worse the other way round
[00:27, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and when we started, we agreed that we would be 坦坦荡荡 with each other.
[00:27, 6/26/2018] Tkn: wht do u mean ah
[00:27, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Good that u keep to ur promise
[00:27, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i was thinking, there is no point for us to be together anymore
[00:27, 6/26/2018] Tkn: if i lied.
[00:27, 6/26/2018] Tkn: that prevented me doing that.
[00:28, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: It seems like u very bad for telling her so vividly that u dont mind staying with ck, but it is worse if you reacted the other way round
[00:28, 6/26/2018] Tkn: in the past, i could easily do this without guilt at all. just to get things done in my way
[00:28, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: By covering it up
[00:28, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i know.
[00:28, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Now you changed for her!
[00:28, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Little by little
[00:28, 6/26/2018] Tkn: but she has to 承受 that part when i say i dont see a prob living with ck.
[00:29, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: So im proud of u
[00:29, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 這是你接下來的功課
[00:29, 6/26/2018] Tkn: assure her.
[00:29, 6/26/2018] Tkn: right?
[00:29, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: En
[00:29, 6/26/2018] Tkn: nola, i'll shift. now that it gets solved.
[00:30, 6/26/2018] Tkn: phew
[00:30, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: This is for sure 😡
[00:30, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and at the same time, i feel bad to put ck in such situation.
[00:30, 6/26/2018] Tkn: yes yes......
[00:30, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你會害了ck
[00:30, 6/26/2018] Tkn: YEA
[00:30, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Anyway i will try to prevent it
[00:31, 6/26/2018] Tkn: huh
[00:31, 6/26/2018] Tkn: ?????
[00:31, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: IF you decide to let ck in
[00:31, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hahahaha
[00:31, 6/26/2018] Tkn: wanna know what you'll do
[00:31, 6/26/2018] Tkn: tell me
[00:31, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: But i had strong feeling that it wont work that way
[00:32, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Dont know why
[00:32, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Of course tell you straight in the face
[00:32, 6/26/2018] Tkn: that guilt of leaving ck, hits me yesterday, when i signed contract.
[00:32, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: And list all the consequences
[00:32, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and today
[00:32, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: And help you think better option
[00:32, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i know it is a once in a while thing.
[00:32, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i accepted that it will bother me
[00:32, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I know for sure if there is better choice u would go for it
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: once in a while
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hmm?
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: what better choice
[00:33, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Better solution
[00:33, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Sorry haha
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: oh okayyy
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i basically just feel bad
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: for ck as well
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: this afternoon
[00:33, 6/26/2018] Tkn: for putting her in such situation.
[00:33, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Still answering this question
[00:33, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Yeah
[00:34, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: I feel bad for the girls
[00:34, 6/26/2018] Tkn: sorry.
[00:34, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: And im glad u are regretting it now
[00:34, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 知错能改😬😬😬😬
[00:34, 6/26/2018] Tkn: u too lenient.
[00:34, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 其实也没有对错
[00:34, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 能让伤害减到最低是最好的
[00:35, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 是，大人
[00:35, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: No im bot
[00:35, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Not*
[00:35, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Im gonna slap u if u dont come and give me a 交代
[00:35, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Hahahahahhaa
[00:35, 6/26/2018] Tkn: already decided
[00:35, 6/26/2018] Tkn: got solution d.
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: i was resminiising
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: what happened in the afternoon
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and rant all out to you
[00:36, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Landlord doenst give in?
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: landlord is kind
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: he will return the money to us
[00:36, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: So nice
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: and we only have to compensate whatever he spent on the agent.
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: yea
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: very nice
[00:36, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Good
[00:36, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Lesson learned
[00:36, 6/26/2018] Tkn: thing happens
[00:36, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 当交学费
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: yea
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hao
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: go sleep
[00:37, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 你好幸福！上了宝贵的一课！
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: YINWEIYOU NI
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 因为你啦
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 屁股
[00:37, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 😏😏😏😏😏😏
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 去睡觉啦你
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 真的很谢谢你
[00:37, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Okay
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 我
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 不知道怎样感谢你
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 以身相许
[00:37, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 活得更精彩就好了！
[00:37, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
[00:38, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 許了許了
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 黯淡也必须接受
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 😊
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: thanks man....
[00:38, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 有我在不會呱
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hao
[00:38, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 哈哈
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: you better dont die before me
[00:38, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: 我去睡咯
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: hahahaha
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: gogo
[00:38, 6/26/2018] Tkn: goodnight ern
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: thanks for being here for me.
[00:39, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: If i die earlier U will be suffer wor
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: shhhhhhhhh
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: maybe
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: maybe its the other way round
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: lehhh
[00:39, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Always will
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: Go SLEEP
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: tok tomorrow...haha
[00:39, 6/26/2018] +60 12-524 3995: Night
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: 👊🤗
[00:39, 6/26/2018] Tkn: night

Viewed rooms today, 回到家继续陪你，you were so stressed when you received that email from your prof. hahhaa

就是喜欢这样跟你鬼话连篇。你做功课的时候都可以应付我，not bad not bad。
我已经决定了啦，12月都是要来的了。就算我能， 我也不觉得你可以等到明年summer.  and 事实上，我的确不能等。 看到你那么可怜那么stress, 还好你身边有一群朋友陪你一起，我很累啦，yawn. lets sleep. sleep sleep. and continue thinking about december. it is either staying at my sis or yours. yawn

22 JUNE 2018

万万没想到，有一天会重新提起劲再像以前那样写写东西。尤其是在这里，让我一直不敢面对，看回以前写的，往往是因为不开心，才上来发泄发泄，今天好像也是。就是那种憋在心里，不写就睡不着的心情。我不敢奢望什么, 没什么信心去publish让你看见，不过必须给自己一个deadline, 就 12月吧， 到时一次过把我的 draft 全部一起publish.

不太想像以前一样，只用写的方式和你沟通。所以写下来的作用，最好只是记录为目的。


今天你都看到了我对小孩完全没有办法的样子，还笑你不会应付，结果是我好狼狈，哈哈。被气到快爆炸了，很后悔教你mute掉video, 连你在忙的声音都听不见，望着镜头里的天花板，聆听着超级安静的call, 非常孤独， 如果不是对你有所期待，应该不会那么难受。我都有今天，陈凯宁... 有期待，就会有情绪，就会有憋在心里说不出的感觉，抒恩说我陷进去了， 原来我也会有这么一天，会因为你太忙不得空睬我而感到失落，然后自己生自己的气，就像平时我不明白你们那么容易被情绪牵动一样，我原来也身不由己， 也会像一个女人一样，耍性子，想乱发脾气，来证明一些东西。 丢脸丢脸。luckily you wont see this till months later. 我还可以再虚伪多几个月， 哈哈。


看回我们的一切，是把双刃刀，一方面感慨，对所发生的依然觉得不可思议，或许到我离开世界的那一天，依然是那样难以置信。 在这里我必须先向你道歉，more like 向自己道歉， 在回一起的过程并不是最童话，最美满，最漂亮的形式，而是用了会让你受委屈的方法，或许不能像之前那样，得到全部人祝福， 但我知道，对你来说不重要，你也不介意。而我，只要是你不觉得委屈，我也没有自责的必要。for the better or worse, 我已经不知道自己的底线，我暂时无法定位，不能确认自己的位置。 有时候会像如梦初醒那样，对自己说，啊，原来已经发生了，啊，真的没有想到我们会有这样的一天，简直是奇迹中的奇迹。



以前的我们好单纯，笨， 傻， 呆， 蠢。
什么都没有，除了爱情。


我曾经很坦白地告诉别人，如果你还像以前那样，完全没变，今日的我是不会爱上你的。
同样的，我想，我想啦，如果我还像以前，木木的，自以为是，今日的你并不会爱上我。

这就是事隔那么多年的变化。
我们以前没有明确的方向，我说要和你一辈子在一起，但却什么鬼打算都没有， 没有能力。
没有经济独立是很难很难让事情奏效的， 因为必须靠人，看人脸色。

你问过我为什么一定要有钱， 因为不用看人脸色， 因为可以排除有可能阻挡我的人啦。



你和以前的确是不一样了，Im not complaining.
握着你的手，those kisses, those touches, barely reminds me of the past.
一开始，你的声音完全是陌生的， 我当时花了一些时间来适应听起来一点都不熟悉的声音。

虽然如此，我清楚知道，你，是属于我的， 而我，也完完全全属于你。
那种强烈的感觉，是我前所未有，因为我很单纯啦李嘉殷。
我也没有想过，自己可以放下自以为是的身段，对一个人那么细心，过于细心，完全不想平时的我。毋需判断是好是坏，我也不懂，我只知道，只要没有委屈自己，没有违背自己的良心，就不算坏。 所以不坏。人老了， 能够接受的东西超级多， 至少比以前多很多啦，什么坚持原则之类的话，你大概不会再听到了，什么人生大道理，已经化为随遇而安，除了对音乐的态度，我还是会超级超级ocd, 对以外的事情，我正在学会逆来顺受，挑战自己能够与问题和平相处。你觉得我超级善解人意，是因为我本身摔过很惨，不解都不能。 我很感激所发生过的坏与好， imagine if everything went well from the start, perfectly well, 我的阅历就不会如此广泛，也只能做个平庸的人，好好的活在自己舒适的世界里，主观的批评身边所发生的一切，对“坏事”敬而远之。



I will not trade this for anything. 即使完美再令人垂延，也不及如今我对人，事物的观点。



Just thankful for whatever happened, or whatever might happen in future.
And Im glad to have my babygirl with me.


and and and 必须养成一个习惯，开心不开心也好，必须上来写写。 不然就算是白活了。
上来这里玩的后果就是一定会被情绪牵动， for the better or worse, 是种很复杂的心情。


1.55am